Out of the Mouths of Babes Forwarded by Cheryl Agne
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan,3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait." Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."
A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son
ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a
seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to
their six-year-old daughter and said, Would you like to say the
blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite
all these people to dinner?"
A mother was teaching her three-year-old The Lord's Prayer. For
several evenings at bedtime, the child repeated it after the mother.
Then one night the child was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride to the carefully enunciated words, right up to the end. "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail"...
A little boy opened the big, old family Bible with fascination, and
looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered:
"I think it's Adam's suit!"
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man
named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On
returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2
boy kittens and 2 girl kittens."
How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think
it's printed on the bottom."
On the first day of school, about mid-morning, the kindergarten
teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two
fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began
putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers
and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked.
"The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken," the boy
explained "I'm looking for the seal." |
|
Church Bloopers
These are ACTUAL announcements from ACTUAL church bulletins.
1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer,
the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church.
Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will
please come early.
8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my
little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies
wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on
the altar.
11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies
will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new
carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in
the church basement Saturday.
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will
follow.
15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
16. The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing
"Break Forth With Joy."
17. Today...Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 8p.m. Please park in the
rear parking lot for this activity.
18. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good
sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
19. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
20. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley
Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the
sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
21. The eighth graders' will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the
church basement on Friday at 7p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
MORE CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS (Forwarded by Peggy Wilson)
Ushers will eat latecomers.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will
be used to cripple children.
The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.
Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things
not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your own hot dogs
and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
"Wise Up, O Men of God"
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care
much about you.
The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Tonight's sermon-"What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can
get.
The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved...the financial secretary gave a
grief report.
Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is
also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire
church.
Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Name: Bertha
Belch.Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from
Africa."
Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference:
"The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals."
Message From God, Forwarded by Katsuey
Some new billboards are getting attention in Cleveland. Some reported seeing
one or two messages, but the newspaper listed all of them.
Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. The billboards
are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring
organization is included. These are awesome...enjoy.
Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game.
-God
C'mon over and bring the kids.
-God
What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand?
-God
We need to talk.
-God
Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer.
-God
Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.
-God
That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it.
-God
I love you and you and you and you and...
-God
Will the road you're on get you to my place?
-God
Follow me.
-God
Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding.
-God
My way is the highway.
-God
Need directions?
-God
You think it's hot here?
-God
Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test.
-God
Do you have any idea where you're going?
-God
Don't make me come down there.
-God
The Phone
It seems a man in Topeka, Kansas decides to write a book about churches around
the country. He starts by flying to San Francisco and working east from there.
He goes to a very large church and begins taking pictures, etc. He spots a
golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign which reads "$10,000.00
a minute." Seeking out the pastor, he asks about the phone and the sign. The
pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven, and
if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. He thanks the pastor and
continues on his way.
As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Denver, Boise, Milwaukee, Chicago,
New York, and on around the United States, he finds more phones with the same
sign, and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrives in the South. Upon entering a church, lo and behold, he sees
the usual golden telephone. But THIS time the sign reads "Calls: 25 cents."
Fascinated, he asks to talk to the pastor.
"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I
found this golden telephone, and I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven
and that I could talk to God, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000.00
a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"
The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Son, you're in the South now. It's a
local call."
Brotherhood
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He
said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A
Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said,
"Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said,
"Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern
Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern
Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern
Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist
Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes
Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or
Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said,
"Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said,
"Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
Back To Top (Page 1)
The Perfect Riddle
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they
had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy
Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car along a winding road,
when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple,
they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to
disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his
toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa
Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?
(Scroll down for the answer.)
The perfect woman. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone
knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women, end
e-mail here. Men, keep scrolling.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been
driving. This explains why there was a car accident. Come to think of it...... if you're a
woman and you're reading this, this brings up another point: women never listen either.
Descriptive Titles
59 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists)
1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include your Children When Baking Cookies
59. 4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves
Additions:
Some Of The Best Newspaper Headlines of 1998
1. Include your children when baking cookies.
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
4. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
5. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
6. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
7. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
8. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
9. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
10. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
11. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
12. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
13. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
14. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
15. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
16. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
17. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Deduction (More Cheryl Agne forwards)
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?," inquired Holmes.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions
of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is
in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell
you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen
our tent!"
The Three Legged Dog
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and
announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
Back To Beginning
On To Section 4
-
-
- Top of Page
| 
